Ask HN: Am I having a mid life crisis?

I am 35 years old and feeling like I am having a midlife crisis. I grew up in a household where having a high paying job was seen as the ultimate goal of life, not having money meant you failed plain and simple. Only people that had something wrong with them didn’t have money, people that didn’t work hard or didn’t have discipline were the ones that didn’t have money and as punishment they had to work terrible jobs and live sad lives without opportunity. The only way out of this was to study HARD, and not just study anything but something that made good money. Something like engineering, medicine, becoming a lawyer, something society valued with money.

I was terrified of the life that apparently awaited me if I failed at my task of making money, so I feel like I just kind of panicked and chose engineering since I was interested in computers. Now after studying hard and getting a high paying job writing software, I can safely say I am completely unfulfilled.

I have just recently connected the dots that I just have been spending so much time in my life taking the safe path to make sure I could make money and I don’t even feel like I know myself well enough now to understand what I would actually want to do since that was never really a consideration point and more of a secondary benefit if you were lucky.

I don’t want to keep doing what I’m doing now as an engineer is all I know for sure, but I also don’t know where to go from here. I don’t feel like I have some hidden talent that I’ve just neglected my whole life but I also don’t feel like I tried or have had time to even find it if it exists and could make me feel more fulfilled in life.

What can I do about this? I’m ok with living a simpler life if it means I’m happier, I have come to the realization that I can live with failure more easily now than I can regret.

6 points | by nsksk 14 hours ago

4 comments

  • gagarwal123 14 hours ago
    I have been through the same stage in life where suddenly I felt lost and what I was doing did not make sense any more. In my case, I spent all my energy at work, never had any hobbies or interests outside of it.. so I took time off when I felt I was financially secure. I dont have all the answers but on that journey to figure things. But also there is very thin difference between burn out and mid life crisis.

    I would ask you to start by questioning Irrespective of money, do you enjoy what you are doing? Is your work environment burning you out instead of your actual work? Would you be happy doing what you are doing if it didnt feel like a task?

    Also in my opinion, its not about simplier life, its about what will make you happy.. some people find happiness in making money

  • discordance 14 hours ago
    I've been through similar-ish circumstances. Exploring other options, cultivating interests and doing non-work related things, while continuing to work has helped me. I believe in small and continuous adjustments rather than making big leaps and I think that helped in reducing risk while also nudging the ship in a different direction.

    Also consider volunteering or helping people somehow. The worst possible outcome in doing that is that you have helped people.

  • reify 13 hours ago
    Not a midlife crisis, its a developmental stage of life.

    You could reframe that, and say that you are ready for change.

    being good enough in this modern world is difficult with all the external pressures we have to endure.

    At 35 years old, I too looked at my life a felt something was severely lacking.

    I decided I would change career and do something I wanted to do, not what family and society expected of me.

    I decided to train as a psychotherapist. This gave me a great sense of personal acheivement by helping other people and deep personal knowledge and incredible self awareness.

    I had experienced an extremely abusive childhood and psychotherapy was a way to heal myself, this is a common theme for psychotherapists.

    I'm 70 next birthday and I am happy with my life.

    I shall die a happy man.

    I would suggest spending a few months in psychotherapy just to get a sense of who you are and what you want.

    Most of my clients over 25 years did not have mental health problems, they were looking to find a new way to live their life.

  • rvz 14 hours ago
    > I was terrified of the life that apparently awaited me if I failed at my task of making money, so I feel like I just kind of panicked and chose engineering since I was interested in computers. Now after studying hard and getting a high paying job writing software, I can safely say I am completely unfulfilled.

    Put it this way: You made money for a company that you do not own, rather than making money for yourself. The time that you put into doing that, you cannot get it back no matter how much money you make.

    The fiat currency that is used to pay salaries is slowly getting debased + worthless over time additionally with tax rises along with that which depending on the currency, this is why many people are always asking for $400k+, $600k+ staff engineer roles to keep up with inflation and house prices.

    Reality is, they end up keeping a lot less money every year, which is why they are very unhappy no matter the amount they make.

    > What can I do about this?

    If you want more money without the scamble, self-employment is the way to go or just build a startup that you own and move to a very low tax environment where you keep a lot more money and freedom. This is the only risk worth taking.

    Otherwise, prepare to compete against thousands of other candidates for that single $500k+ role which comes with politics, layoffs and zero freedom.