Ask HN: How do I improve eye contact?

I’m really bad at maintaining dominant eye contact. Now that I’ve been talking to some people who are successful founders or VCs I’m noticing that they have a tendency to pierce my soul basically with their eye contact.

I don’t have that ability and if I try it I feel like a creep but I can’t tell how the other person perceives it.

I tried improving my eye contact with ppl I meet like at grocery checkout or barista. However there’s usually like 3-4 foot distance which makes it easier.

When someone I don’t know is like right next to me or in front of me it’s hard for me to do that. It feels unnatural to me.

I tried taking off my glasses with one person and it was fine because all I saw was a blot, but then I couldn’t read wtf he was showing me at one point lol.

Aghhhh. How important is it to have and maintain such eye contact? Is it a power move? Should I just stop caring as much as be me where I have to look away at times?

I’m a good active listener, so that’s not a problem. Just this eye contact thing has been bothering me because I feel defeated psychologically after talking to these people. Maybe it is a power move.. wtf

5 points | by moomoo11 91 days ago

7 comments

  • codingdave 91 days ago
    So there is a trick - don't look at people's pupils. Look at their eyelids or eyebrows, or the bridge of their nose. It is close enough to eye contact that it won't be uncomfortable for you. Most people do not stare directly into each other's eyes - they just look in that general direction.

    And think about this a bit - if you feel defeated after talking to people who stare into your eyes... is that how you want people to feel after talking to you? Maybe it is just as well not to be one of the people with piercing eye contact.

  • Bluestein 91 days ago
    > How important is it to have and maintain such eye contact? Is it a power move?

    Yes, but not only that. See below ...

    >;Should I just stop caring as much as be me where I have to look away at times?

    You have this choice. But you'd be forfeiting a "better" version of yourself (improved skills) that you could be ...

    > I’m a good active listener, so that’s not a problem.

    This is (I humbly think), the key here: Think of eye contact as a way (or, another way, or a complementary way) of *listening with your eyes*, for that is what it (mostly) is: A signifier of attention. You already have in you if you listen well. This is just an extension of that.-

  • toldyouso2022 91 days ago
    I never knew people looked each other in the eyes when taling until I was in my 20s. I never looked at people in the eyes while talking and yet I made so many friends and friendships that lasted long. To me it was not a thing so I never felt a psychological defeat because nobody ever told me I was "wrong". Even today it feels weird to me and it feels like the weirdos are those that look me too much.

    Point is, consider if this looking people in the eyes is something really worth investing on: maybe not looking at people is your thing and you're fine that way too? Why you have to be wrong? Maybe it's the others that are doing the uncomfortable thing for others and are wrong.

  • hnthrowaway0328 91 days ago
    If you are rich enough to be successful VC overlords or whoever at a more pleasant place in bargaining, you will magically gain the ability.

    Try to make oneself very rich is a sure way to maintain self confidence. There are other ways but those are mostly born.

  • illuminant 91 days ago
    Don't worry about it. If you take a lead from Hannah Harvey (brilliant story teller), you can stare off into the distance (of your imagination), use wide expressive hand gestures, and know how to use timing to drive home your point, they won't be able to take their dagger eyes off you, and you will be the one with power.
  • brudgers 91 days ago
    Adult skills are products of years of experience. Give yourself time. You developed your communication skills and the habits that reflect it over a lifetime. It took a lifetime for people with communication skills and habits you want to develop, too.

    Eye contact is not an end in itself. If you want an end in itself, be a good hang. Good luck.

  • meiraleal 91 days ago
    > I tried improving my eye contact with ppl I meet like at grocery checkout or barista. However there’s usually like 3-4 foot distance which makes it easier.

    Please, do society and yourself a favor and don't act like you perceive VCs to other people, especially people working to serve you as a JOB.

    These people you are trying to mimick grew up interacting with people like you trying to get on their good side. That is what give them confidence. Put them inside a football pitch against good players and you will see a bunch of anxious amateurs that will not hold eye contact after being slide-tackled once.